I want to start by addressing something. I had a conversation with someone the other day who asked me if I was ok. I was a bit perplexed by their question. They said that they had read my last blog and they were concerned about me and the amount that I was sharing. To be honest, I found this to be somewhat humorous. For a lot of my life I have lived in a way that masks the true me, it has been incredibly emotionally and spiritually unhealthy, and now that I am embracing truth and vulnerability and feel like I am emotionally stable, people are concerned. If you are worried about me, I would like to thank you for your concern, but I want you to know that anything that I share here is prayerfully considered and written with a specific purpose. That purpose is to give people a glimpse of someone who is living real life and it is just as much for me as it is for you. With that being said, here we go.
It’s been a few weeks, and to be honest writing this feels like a bit of a chore. I love you all, I am just not feeling like I have a whole lot to share. The past two weeks have been full of ups and downs emotionally and spiritually and it has left me not feeling very daring. But I think it’s just as important for me to share this time as it is for me to share when I feel strong. I want anyone who reads this to know that you have the freedom to struggle. I have lived a lot of my life feeling like I needed to have it all together. Even though my parents had huge amounts of grace, I still felt the need to slap on a face to convince everyone that things were perfect. This kind of living is highly destructive and I decided that it would no longer be the way I lived my life.
There are going to be days when you feel like you don’t have anything to bring to the table. That’s part of life. It’s pretty simple to say, but sometimes it feels like an earth shattering reality. But you know what is also true, just because you think you don’t have anything to share doesn’t mean it’s true. You have choice to live from that lie, or endure the moment, let yourself feel it, but keep pressing in to the truth of the situation. This isn’t a quick fix, but it is healthier and will lead you to more fullness.
If you don’t feel like showing up today for whatever you are supposed to do, know that you aren’t alone. I want you to know that I don’t feel like writing today. I haven’t felt like writing for two weeks, but part of this process for me is to fully give myself, and sometimes being fully given means breaking open my life when I don’t feel like you have anything to give. To recognize that I am a powerful person and even in these times when I don’t feel like I have anything to give, and to know that I have my story and my words. Even when I begin to feel small I must remember that a small seed that has fallen from the tree can grow a mighty oak.
Some may misread this, so I am going to say it again; I know that I am an emotionally healthy man. Emotional health isn’t defined by the ability to keep it together, but rather, emotional health is defined by allowing yourself to fully feel and live life from that fully feeling place. I don’t want anyone to worry about me, because I am not worried. I am not stuffing down emotions and I am also not overly sharing. I am using the words that have been written on my heart to share my life with you, even when I don’t feel like it.